Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
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babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
LOL
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it