CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
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*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
A double negative is a big no-no.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?