Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
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Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.