This is my emotional support knife.
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Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.