So glad we cleared that up
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Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news