[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
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me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.