Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
You Might Also Like
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
How actors in movies eat their food
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.