Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
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– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*