Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
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Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.