BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
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My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.