Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
You Might Also Like
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s