People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
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Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.