Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
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MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare