According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
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I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
What?
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.