For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
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[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
*serious situation*
My brain:
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
A little too much information.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.