[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
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One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP