My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
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Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”