*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
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If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.