Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
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Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*