Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*