QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
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He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
We like the way Dwight thinks
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.