Google assistant rules
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I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”