[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
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I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
There’s no “us” in nachos.