Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
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Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.