Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
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A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
liiiiiiiiike
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
The smoothest fall of all time
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”