wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
You Might Also Like
Need WebMD
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why