I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
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I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Boy never ceases to amaze me
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.