Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
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Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Aight bet
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year