The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
apparently this year was written by stephen king
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”