I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
You Might Also Like
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.