me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
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Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Happy Star Wars day!
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.