My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
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By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
accurate
You have been warned.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers