being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
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My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back