@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
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I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
If I was a dental hygienist Iβd be like βNow I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorryβ
*pronounces βcombβ like βbombβ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Iβm what the New York Times once referred to as βan acquired tasteβ¦like bleach.β
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” π
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, theyβll clear out in no time
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
men, we mow at sunrise.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while youβre sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any βdank memesβ.
You donβt even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see hereβs the thing uh nowβs not a good time
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.