Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
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My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
sry
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?