*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
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Breaking news:
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Did…did a minotaur write this
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.