Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
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reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song