I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
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i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Beware of the dog..
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles