So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
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*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I unironically love this joke.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
“Everybody freeze!”
-November