Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
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I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
i wish we could shoplift online
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Reporter: *ports again*
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT