The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
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I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out