Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
You Might Also Like
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous