date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
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I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.