I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
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People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Hank is one in a melon.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week