Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
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a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.