Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
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Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
guilty
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Sponch
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”