Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
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I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
$4 #usedbooks
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.