I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
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“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag