A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
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You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?