90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
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Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.